Fortune Cookies That Don't Exist, But Should

1. Hai, Karate!
2. Your boss was just here with your wife and she wasn't wearing panties. Trust your intuition.
3. That wasn't chicken.
4. The universe is guiding your life. Like it's got anything better to do.
5. This cookie is people!
6. You don't resemble anyone in your family, but your principal is really a good-looking guy.
7. More MSG will make women love you.
8. Everyone laughs when you try to use chopsticks.
9. Way to sneak at the buffet. Bastard.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

Here's hoping you get to love somebody like this. You know why? It's nice.

How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Imagine!

David Archuleta Hates Kids With Cancer

Journalism 101: How many things are wrong with this scenario from my local newscast this morning? 5? 100? All of them?

Also, it's Friday! Now beat some defective ass.

Why You Don't See Frogs On A Smoke Break

1. Habit too expensive.
2. Don't know enough English to apply for jobs.
3. Think they're better than you.
4. Legs sold to restaurants (toadstools a cruel mockery.)
5. Tadpole defects.
6. Threatdowns from Kermit.
7. Didn't call that chick in Accounting back.
8. Left lighters in pond.
9. Busy trying not to be licked by hippies.

(Visit the new, improved Keywork. He likes Egypt.)

Fearless Moral Inventory Sez What?

About a week ago, I was flummoxed by the idea - nay, the very nature - of the blogroll. I've had a pretty peripatetic experience with links in the course of this blogging journey, such as it is. Sometimes, I'd have links to things I thought were cool and that other people might like to look at. Other times, the blogroll would have people on it that I knew or had known at one time, for to give them props and whatnot, even if I didn't want to be involved with the blogs themselves. I'm prone to separate my personal feelings from my creative ones, with "Naughty Cop" and "Mexican Maid Afraid of Deportation" being two exceptions.

Anyway, as these situations and relationships changed, I'd start asking these questions: "Which ones do I keep? Which ones do I toss?" Like any move in real life from one place to another, these blogroll changes were accompanied by a fair amount of psychic housecleaning: things I'd grown tired of, some that were stale, didn't fit anymore, or made me wonder why I'd held onto them in the first place. I'd have a minor anxiety attack about how a deletion would be perceived if I didn't explain it. And then I would think, "The fact that I have to explain IS the reason." Who has that kind of time? If you piss someone off, then try to make amends, but they're not having it? Well, it may be a pity, but it's not that big a deal. Call it a day and wish them well in your head. That's largesse. And it may be crazy, but it's better than the alternative. You don't have to like a person to respect their work or their ideas.

For instance, I love Hemingway, and am happy to direct much fondness in his general direction. But would I want to live with that asshole? Hell. No. Dude was a nightmare. In a similar vein, I have deep, abiding affection for people and things I probably wouldn't cross the street to spit on if they were on fire. But that's just me. I like to keep 'em separated. And if you think I'm talking to you, well, there's a good chance that I am. But there's also just as good a chance that you're a paranoid motherfucker. In either case, the only way you'd ever know is if you were on fire one day and I were across the street.

The point is that it'd be a dull world if we all liked and understood each other. Wouldn't it? At least, that's what El Jefe tells me.

It's Loretta Lynn Day!

So since I've got nothing new, dear reader, please enjoy some tunes inspired by the good peeps at Ration Reality. Also, coal mining.





And, what the hell, this one:

Commercial Break: Hump Day